Rationally, I know how good my life is. I know how kiss-the-earth lucky I am. That doesn't mean that some weeks it feels like the universe is just unloading on me. On Sunday night I took quite a spill on my bike. I'll spare you pictures of my bruises (about seven covering knees-to-ankles on both legs), but my camera did happen to fall out of my bag and take a picture of the bike:
I'll take this chance to make the requisite wear your helmet plug. Fortunately I didn't get too badly hurt, but my legs were banged up enough to make yoga nearly impossible for the past week.
On Tuesday I got some pretty bummer news that I didn't see coming. Is it for the best? Yeah, it is. Doesn't mean it's fun though.
Then, on Thursday, as I'm stressed and scrambling to meet a deadline for an enormous project, I get sick at work and have to go home early. I spend the next forty-eight hours in bed (ok, ok, with a great book and stack of Woody Allen movies, but still), and miss a conference in D.C. that I had been looking forward to, despite any moaning and groaning on my part. To make my deadline on time, I had to go to the office on Sunday to do some more data mining.
All things considered, things could be much worse, I know. Everything I got dealt is temporary: bruises fade, emotions bounce back, the flu passes. But it still sucks. My inclination is to put on a happy face, say everything's fine, fake it 'til you make it. I think in many instances, that works. Then I remember an assignment I got from Eva, my wonderful acupuncturist.
She said I have to -- brace yourselves -- start feeling my feelings.
She's right, of course. The only thing is, feelings can be so stinking inconvenient. And if you feel your feelings, doesn't that mean you're more likely to show you're feelings? And if you do show your feelings, that just makes you plum vulnerable. Scary stuff.
I'm working on it, though. It's a fun project when you feel overjoyed or peaceful or goofy. A little (lot) less so when you feel so angry you wish you still had a punching bag, or so sad you just want to lie in puddle on your kitchen floor. I'm trying to compromise. I'm trying to, well, speed feel. It takes about three minutes, and goes like this... Acknowledge I feel angry. Throw things (that won't break) and listen to loud, angry music. Cut myself off after a minute before it spirals. Do something productive.
It's a start. Besides, the productive stuff is where I want to be spending my energy. I don't want all the other crap "to win"; I want it to propel me to be better. I'd rather think about paintings I've wanted to make but been too scared to try because what if *gasp* it sucks. I'd rather take out my guitar that I have touched in five years because I've never been any good, and finally learn how to play my favorite songs. I'd rather catch up on letters and phone calls with old friends. I'd rather find new recipes to cook and foster friendships with people to cook for.
So yeah, it's been a really tough week. I'm still under the weather, and I still have some major, stressful deadlines looming at work. But I also helped the women's group I volunteer with to have a successful first event. I went out to dinner and had a wonderful time with a dozen hilarious Europeans. I had a glass of wine with friends I haven't seen in weeks, and then paid a visit to another friend I've only recently gotten to really know. I caught up with one of my favorite girlfriends from college, and then got into an engaging debate about politics with other friends of ours we happened to bump into as we left the bar. I got a fierce new haircut (if I may say so myself) and some killer new boots. I scoured my apartment, watched movies that remind me of one of my favorite people in the world, and have worked my fingertips almost raw on my guitar. Things will ebb and flow, and I have some amazing people by my side as the tides change. If I have to feel my feelings, after all, they'd better be the good ones. Right?
I'll take this chance to make the requisite wear your helmet plug. Fortunately I didn't get too badly hurt, but my legs were banged up enough to make yoga nearly impossible for the past week.On Tuesday I got some pretty bummer news that I didn't see coming. Is it for the best? Yeah, it is. Doesn't mean it's fun though.
Then, on Thursday, as I'm stressed and scrambling to meet a deadline for an enormous project, I get sick at work and have to go home early. I spend the next forty-eight hours in bed (ok, ok, with a great book and stack of Woody Allen movies, but still), and miss a conference in D.C. that I had been looking forward to, despite any moaning and groaning on my part. To make my deadline on time, I had to go to the office on Sunday to do some more data mining.
All things considered, things could be much worse, I know. Everything I got dealt is temporary: bruises fade, emotions bounce back, the flu passes. But it still sucks. My inclination is to put on a happy face, say everything's fine, fake it 'til you make it. I think in many instances, that works. Then I remember an assignment I got from Eva, my wonderful acupuncturist.
She said I have to -- brace yourselves -- start feeling my feelings.
She's right, of course. The only thing is, feelings can be so stinking inconvenient. And if you feel your feelings, doesn't that mean you're more likely to show you're feelings? And if you do show your feelings, that just makes you plum vulnerable. Scary stuff.
I'm working on it, though. It's a fun project when you feel overjoyed or peaceful or goofy. A little (lot) less so when you feel so angry you wish you still had a punching bag, or so sad you just want to lie in puddle on your kitchen floor. I'm trying to compromise. I'm trying to, well, speed feel. It takes about three minutes, and goes like this... Acknowledge I feel angry. Throw things (that won't break) and listen to loud, angry music. Cut myself off after a minute before it spirals. Do something productive.
It's a start. Besides, the productive stuff is where I want to be spending my energy. I don't want all the other crap "to win"; I want it to propel me to be better. I'd rather think about paintings I've wanted to make but been too scared to try because what if *gasp* it sucks. I'd rather take out my guitar that I have touched in five years because I've never been any good, and finally learn how to play my favorite songs. I'd rather catch up on letters and phone calls with old friends. I'd rather find new recipes to cook and foster friendships with people to cook for.
So yeah, it's been a really tough week. I'm still under the weather, and I still have some major, stressful deadlines looming at work. But I also helped the women's group I volunteer with to have a successful first event. I went out to dinner and had a wonderful time with a dozen hilarious Europeans. I had a glass of wine with friends I haven't seen in weeks, and then paid a visit to another friend I've only recently gotten to really know. I caught up with one of my favorite girlfriends from college, and then got into an engaging debate about politics with other friends of ours we happened to bump into as we left the bar. I got a fierce new haircut (if I may say so myself) and some killer new boots. I scoured my apartment, watched movies that remind me of one of my favorite people in the world, and have worked my fingertips almost raw on my guitar. Things will ebb and flow, and I have some amazing people by my side as the tides change. If I have to feel my feelings, after all, they'd better be the good ones. Right?
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment