I'm back...

What's this? A Full Well post? But Olivia, you haven't posted here in almost a year!

Yeah, well, a lot has changed in the last year. I was doing so well while I kept this blog, and then life happened, and I just didn't have the stamina to write on here. Not to mention, I would've felt like a big, fat hypocrite, as I pretty much let my health take a nosedive.

Last summer, my health was in crisis, and I used all the resources I had at my disposal to "solve" the crisis. I did a pretty good job, if I may say so myself. Well, lo and behold, it's summer 2009, and my health...sucks. Er, sucked. Just over a week ago, I was in tears at my desk because I felt so awful and didn't know what to do about it. I had, to use a buzzphrase, reached my tipping point.

The great news is that all that (expensive) hard work I did last summer to figure out how to be healthy was applicable now, too. I was in a much better position this time around because this time I didn't have to solve anything (though I thought maybe I did), I just had to implement what I already knew. So here's what I did:

1. Called on the collective wisdom of the forum over on crazysexylife.com. Boy do those folks know their stuff and have a giant, heaping portion of compassion to serve along with it.

2. Placed an order with www.iherb.com, which happens to have amazingly inexpensive ($5!) shipping to Seoul. If you're curious, I ordered chlorella powder, wheat grass powder, and a super duper amazing multi.

3. Trekked -- it may have been a block and a half, but with how awful I felt, it seemed like a trek -- to the overpriced department store, which happens to have a great produce section, and bought all the produce I wanted: sprouts, mixed greens, bell peppers, bananas, cherry tomatoes, a massive-and-juicy apple.

4. Ate the produce. Not all at once, but bit by bit.

5. Logged on to Raw Fu , and signed up for the 100 day Raw Fu Challenge, which started this past Monday.

6. Drank my enzyme/protein powder.

7. Drank a TON of water.


The next day, I woke up, exhausted, and got some pissy news I don't feel like getting into here. It's all fine now, but sent me into quite a tailspin for the next few days. In the past, a super high stress event like this would have led me to "screw it" mode as I inhaled Snickers bars and french fries. But not this time.

Why? It can only be because I was ready for this change. Physically, emotionally, spriritualy ready to do it. The kicker is, it's been easy. Caffeine, gone. Sugar, gone. Meat/dairy/eggs, gone. Cooked food, gone. (Aside from two little incidents, one of which I regret, the other I don't.) But I don't feel deprived.

I feel good.

In fact, today, I feel really good. For the first time in who knows how long, I had energy and took a (short) walk. My body needed to move so badly that I started doing a little yoga...at work. (The iherb shipment arrived yesterday, so I've had my multi and chlorella. Coincidence? Maybe. But I'll take it.)

I'm not ready to declare that I'm a raw foodist, and I'm certainly not being super strict or limiting myself. I'm working on being gentle with myself, and forgiving, and just listening to what my body needs.

The health kick is back -- though this time I hope it sticks around -- so stay tuned. I've got lots to blab about.

Tough Week

Rationally, I know how good my life is. I know how kiss-the-earth lucky I am. That doesn't mean that some weeks it feels like the universe is just unloading on me. On Sunday night I took quite a spill on my bike. I'll spare you pictures of my bruises (about seven covering knees-to-ankles on both legs), but my camera did happen to fall out of my bag and take a picture of the bike:

I'll take this chance to make the requisite wear your helmet plug. Fortunately I didn't get too badly hurt, but my legs were banged up enough to make yoga nearly impossible for the past week.

On Tuesday I got some pretty bummer news that I didn't see coming. Is it for the best? Yeah, it is. Doesn't mean it's fun though.

Then, on Thursday, as I'm stressed and scrambling to meet a deadline for an enormous project, I get sick at work and have to go home early. I spend the next forty-eight hours in bed (ok, ok, with a great book and stack of Woody Allen movies, but still), and miss a conference in D.C. that I had been looking forward to, despite any moaning and groaning on my part. To make my deadline on time, I had to go to the office on Sunday to do some more data mining.

All things considered, things could be much worse, I know. Everything I got dealt is temporary: bruises fade, emotions bounce back, the flu passes. But it still sucks. My inclination is to put on a happy face, say everything's fine, fake it 'til you make it. I think in many instances, that works. Then I remember an assignment I got from Eva, my wonderful acupuncturist.

She said I have to -- brace yourselves -- start feeling my feelings.

She's right, of course. The only thing is, feelings can be so stinking inconvenient. And if you feel your feelings, doesn't that mean you're more likely to show you're feelings? And if you do show your feelings, that just makes you plum vulnerable. Scary stuff.

I'm working on it, though. It's a fun project when you feel overjoyed or peaceful or goofy. A little (lot) less so when you feel so angry you wish you still had a punching bag, or so sad you just want to lie in puddle on your kitchen floor. I'm trying to compromise. I'm trying to, well, speed feel. It takes about three minutes, and goes like this... Acknowledge I feel angry. Throw things (that won't break) and listen to loud, angry music. Cut myself off after a minute before it spirals. Do something productive.

It's a start. Besides, the productive stuff is where I want to be spending my energy. I don't want all the other crap "to win"; I want it to propel me to be better. I'd rather think about paintings I've wanted to make but been too scared to try because what if *gasp* it sucks. I'd rather take out my guitar that I have touched in five years because I've never been any good, and finally learn how to play my favorite songs. I'd rather catch up on letters and phone calls with old friends. I'd rather find new recipes to cook and foster friendships with people to cook for.

So yeah, it's been a really tough week. I'm still under the weather, and I still have some major, stressful deadlines looming at work. But I also helped the women's group I volunteer with to have a successful first event. I went out to dinner and had a wonderful time with a dozen hilarious Europeans. I had a glass of wine with friends I haven't seen in weeks, and then paid a visit to another friend I've only recently gotten to really know. I caught up with one of my favorite girlfriends from college, and then got into an engaging debate about politics with other friends of ours we happened to bump into as we left the bar. I got a fierce new haircut (if I may say so myself) and some killer new boots. I scoured my apartment, watched movies that remind me of one of my favorite people in the world, and have worked my fingertips almost raw on my guitar. Things will ebb and flow, and I have some amazing people by my side as the tides change. If I have to feel my feelings, after all, they'd better be the good ones. Right?

It's the Little Things

I love Yogi Tea. Last time I went to the store, I bought so many boxes (only five!) that the cashier couldn't help but make a comment. Part of why I love the tea is definitely the result of some great packaging on their end. I love the yogic exercises on the box, but more than that, I love the simple one-liners on the tea bag label. I used to have one taped to my computer at work. I have one on my fridge that says "May you have faith in your worth and act with wisdom." The tea I'm drinking right now says "Let your manners speak for you."

The quotes are always simple, but they're consistently a nice reminder of how I want to live my life. Yes, my tea company knows how I want to live my life. And part of what keeps me coming back for more is to find out which quote I'll get next. Well done, Yogi Tea marketing department. Well done.