I'm back...

What's this? A Full Well post? But Olivia, you haven't posted here in almost a year!

Yeah, well, a lot has changed in the last year. I was doing so well while I kept this blog, and then life happened, and I just didn't have the stamina to write on here. Not to mention, I would've felt like a big, fat hypocrite, as I pretty much let my health take a nosedive.

Last summer, my health was in crisis, and I used all the resources I had at my disposal to "solve" the crisis. I did a pretty good job, if I may say so myself. Well, lo and behold, it's summer 2009, and my health...sucks. Er, sucked. Just over a week ago, I was in tears at my desk because I felt so awful and didn't know what to do about it. I had, to use a buzzphrase, reached my tipping point.

The great news is that all that (expensive) hard work I did last summer to figure out how to be healthy was applicable now, too. I was in a much better position this time around because this time I didn't have to solve anything (though I thought maybe I did), I just had to implement what I already knew. So here's what I did:

1. Called on the collective wisdom of the forum over on crazysexylife.com. Boy do those folks know their stuff and have a giant, heaping portion of compassion to serve along with it.

2. Placed an order with www.iherb.com, which happens to have amazingly inexpensive ($5!) shipping to Seoul. If you're curious, I ordered chlorella powder, wheat grass powder, and a super duper amazing multi.

3. Trekked -- it may have been a block and a half, but with how awful I felt, it seemed like a trek -- to the overpriced department store, which happens to have a great produce section, and bought all the produce I wanted: sprouts, mixed greens, bell peppers, bananas, cherry tomatoes, a massive-and-juicy apple.

4. Ate the produce. Not all at once, but bit by bit.

5. Logged on to Raw Fu , and signed up for the 100 day Raw Fu Challenge, which started this past Monday.

6. Drank my enzyme/protein powder.

7. Drank a TON of water.


The next day, I woke up, exhausted, and got some pissy news I don't feel like getting into here. It's all fine now, but sent me into quite a tailspin for the next few days. In the past, a super high stress event like this would have led me to "screw it" mode as I inhaled Snickers bars and french fries. But not this time.

Why? It can only be because I was ready for this change. Physically, emotionally, spriritualy ready to do it. The kicker is, it's been easy. Caffeine, gone. Sugar, gone. Meat/dairy/eggs, gone. Cooked food, gone. (Aside from two little incidents, one of which I regret, the other I don't.) But I don't feel deprived.

I feel good.

In fact, today, I feel really good. For the first time in who knows how long, I had energy and took a (short) walk. My body needed to move so badly that I started doing a little yoga...at work. (The iherb shipment arrived yesterday, so I've had my multi and chlorella. Coincidence? Maybe. But I'll take it.)

I'm not ready to declare that I'm a raw foodist, and I'm certainly not being super strict or limiting myself. I'm working on being gentle with myself, and forgiving, and just listening to what my body needs.

The health kick is back -- though this time I hope it sticks around -- so stay tuned. I've got lots to blab about.

Tough Week

Rationally, I know how good my life is. I know how kiss-the-earth lucky I am. That doesn't mean that some weeks it feels like the universe is just unloading on me. On Sunday night I took quite a spill on my bike. I'll spare you pictures of my bruises (about seven covering knees-to-ankles on both legs), but my camera did happen to fall out of my bag and take a picture of the bike:

I'll take this chance to make the requisite wear your helmet plug. Fortunately I didn't get too badly hurt, but my legs were banged up enough to make yoga nearly impossible for the past week.

On Tuesday I got some pretty bummer news that I didn't see coming. Is it for the best? Yeah, it is. Doesn't mean it's fun though.

Then, on Thursday, as I'm stressed and scrambling to meet a deadline for an enormous project, I get sick at work and have to go home early. I spend the next forty-eight hours in bed (ok, ok, with a great book and stack of Woody Allen movies, but still), and miss a conference in D.C. that I had been looking forward to, despite any moaning and groaning on my part. To make my deadline on time, I had to go to the office on Sunday to do some more data mining.

All things considered, things could be much worse, I know. Everything I got dealt is temporary: bruises fade, emotions bounce back, the flu passes. But it still sucks. My inclination is to put on a happy face, say everything's fine, fake it 'til you make it. I think in many instances, that works. Then I remember an assignment I got from Eva, my wonderful acupuncturist.

She said I have to -- brace yourselves -- start feeling my feelings.

She's right, of course. The only thing is, feelings can be so stinking inconvenient. And if you feel your feelings, doesn't that mean you're more likely to show you're feelings? And if you do show your feelings, that just makes you plum vulnerable. Scary stuff.

I'm working on it, though. It's a fun project when you feel overjoyed or peaceful or goofy. A little (lot) less so when you feel so angry you wish you still had a punching bag, or so sad you just want to lie in puddle on your kitchen floor. I'm trying to compromise. I'm trying to, well, speed feel. It takes about three minutes, and goes like this... Acknowledge I feel angry. Throw things (that won't break) and listen to loud, angry music. Cut myself off after a minute before it spirals. Do something productive.

It's a start. Besides, the productive stuff is where I want to be spending my energy. I don't want all the other crap "to win"; I want it to propel me to be better. I'd rather think about paintings I've wanted to make but been too scared to try because what if *gasp* it sucks. I'd rather take out my guitar that I have touched in five years because I've never been any good, and finally learn how to play my favorite songs. I'd rather catch up on letters and phone calls with old friends. I'd rather find new recipes to cook and foster friendships with people to cook for.

So yeah, it's been a really tough week. I'm still under the weather, and I still have some major, stressful deadlines looming at work. But I also helped the women's group I volunteer with to have a successful first event. I went out to dinner and had a wonderful time with a dozen hilarious Europeans. I had a glass of wine with friends I haven't seen in weeks, and then paid a visit to another friend I've only recently gotten to really know. I caught up with one of my favorite girlfriends from college, and then got into an engaging debate about politics with other friends of ours we happened to bump into as we left the bar. I got a fierce new haircut (if I may say so myself) and some killer new boots. I scoured my apartment, watched movies that remind me of one of my favorite people in the world, and have worked my fingertips almost raw on my guitar. Things will ebb and flow, and I have some amazing people by my side as the tides change. If I have to feel my feelings, after all, they'd better be the good ones. Right?

Yoga. Finally.

Yoga has been on my list of my three health things for over a month now. Tonight, I finally went. I had decided yesterday that tonight would be my night off. I would decline all invitations that came my way -- even if, gasp! they were work related -- treat myself to yoga class, and have a quiet evening in to do as I wish. No networking, no catching up on to-do lists, no doing things I should do. Just enjoy an evening nourishing myself.

All afternoon I looked forward to this. Then, at ten of five, I got hit with a whopper at work. Being me, I started spinning and planning and panicking, all in the name of solving it and making it perfect right now. Guess how effective that was. I came home, opened a (gluten free) beer, and called my wise mama for some insight/comfort. I know, I know. With all my liver chi stagnation, a beer was probably the last thing I needed. But sometimes, you just say forget it. Beer or no beer, though I was going to go splurge on a yoga class.

I bought an unlimited month. Not the best move for my credit card (it seems I can't quite focus on all three of my health things at the same time, can I), but a great move for my body and heart. It was a 101 class, back to basics, especially as I hadn't gone since May. Some poses felt so wonderful and familiar, some poses left me surprised that I could do them, and others left me able only to focus on the burning in my muscles. All of it left me feeling more peaceful and in tune with my body than I have been in a long, long time. Going to the gym in the morning is great, and I feel satisfied when I crank out time on the erg or lift weights, but it just doesn't compare to my yoga high.

My back and shoulders are already sore, but my posture is also naturally better than it was just this afternoon. I'm breathing easier. Much (not all) of my tension and panic from 5pm has dissipated. I don't know how the situation is going to be resolved, but I know I'll make something work, and I know I have family and friends around to support me along the way.

The added bonus to a yoga practice is that it makes it really easy for me to honor my body's wants and needs. Comfort food becomes something that nourishes me rather than some processed fatty, salty food. Tonight I had half of a perfectly ripe avocado, a serving of delicious quinoa pasta with organic sauce from Trader Joe's, and two tablespoons of flax seeds sprinkled on top. A far cry from the M&Ms and Tostitos I wanted to pick up on my way home from work.

(The opening photo, of Eagle Pose, was taken from here, and was my favorite pose of the night.)

Don't Go It Alone

Before I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, there were some days that were, to put it mildly, really tough. At times the pain was so severe I could barely move. Putting on shoes and socks was unbearable, and even just walking down the hall to use the restroom would take me as long as twenty minutes. I had no choice but learn how to ask for help.

Fortunately, I have a very loving and patient family, and, when I went back to school, had very loving and patient roommates. On the worst days, they would help out by running an errand for me, or just bringing me a snack on the couch.

After the diagnosis, I was once again able to maneuver around easily. I didn't need people to do the little things for me in the same way. My inclination was to say to myself, Great, I learned how to ask for help; now I hope I don't have to do it again. Wrong. What I've learned since then is to go ahead and ask for help when I need it -- with the big things and the little things. When I'm reluctant, I remind myself that I would always want to help my friends and family if they gave me the choice; I trust I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Today's been a little rough, and the Diet Cokes we keep in the fridge in my office for guests have been taunting me again. I haven't had one since my first day of work here, but oh how I want one today. Instead of reaching into the fridge, though, I reached out to my friend Maggie, the biggest anti-Diet Coke advocate I know.

Here's what I sent to her:
"There's a whole bunch of them [Diet Cokes] in my fridge at work, and I want one -- BIG TIME. Please tell me not to have one."

And here's what she responded within the hour:
" Do NOT have one.... it is a slippery slope my dear!"

So I resisted. I stepped away from the caffeine and chemicals and got a water. Next time you're tempted to make a decision you know deep down you don't want to make, call on your support network. Even for something as seemingly small as resisting the Diet Coke.

Stress and Panic Attacks

Stress and I don't get along. Some people say they thrive on stress, that it gets them motored up to push through things they wouldn't otherwise people able to do. I am not one of those people. The good thing is that I know what havoc stress wreaks on my well-being, and I work to minimize the stressors in my life. When I get stressed, my immune system starts to stutter and I get sick, my stomach gets upset, I can't sleep. Years ago I also suffered from panic attacks, which, at one point, were so bad that I considered taking time off from school.

Fortunately, I am the daughter of a very wise man. When I talked to my dad about my panic attacks, he gave me a some specific actions to take. They were just the tools I needed to get through the worst of it so I could finish up the year.

1. Eat more protein. At the time I didn't understand the importance of protein when it comes to stress and panic attacks. As I started to read up on hypoglycemia this summer, though, every source talked about how critical regular protein is to maintaining stable blood sugar. And what is one of the symptoms some hypoglycemics experience? You guessed it -- panic attacks.

2. Stop with the caffeine. I had a ten-Diet-Cokes-a-day habit. The mere thought of that horrifies me. Of course anyone who drinks that much caffeine (not to mention chemicals and aspartame) is going to feel jittery, to say the least!

3. Practice deep breathing exercises. When I first started doing breathing exercises, I only had one basic technique: Inhale through my nose to the count of five, exhale through my mouth to the count of seven. It worked, but I've since learned other techniques that work even better for me. The first is ujjayi breath, which is explained quite well here. The other might be the simplest breathing technique I know of, but it's also my favorite: focus fully on each each breath, simply observing it, but with the exhale as the "start" of the breath, and the inhale as the "end." That simple reversal in observation takes just enough focus for me to allow my mind to quiet. This is also my favorite breath for when I meditate.

This past week I have been feeling an incredibly amount of stress, and have been unable to pinpoint its root, which only frustrates me more. Doesn't much help the situation. To make matters worse, in the last three days, I've staved off four panic attacks. I'm glad I was able to prevent them, but it's been a little unsettling that they've resurfaced after so many years. So I'm going back to basics. Protein. Stay off the caffeine. Practice deep breathing. Now I have even more tools in my arsenal, though, which is encouraging. Here are the new additions:

1. In addition to deep breathing to get me through a tough moment, regular meditation to help keep me on an even keel. (If you're thinking, hey, wait, you've been doing this meditation thing for a few weeks now, and you're getting panic attacks for the first time in years. Why would I want to do that? It's because I've been slacking on the meditation. Doh.)

2. Beyond just eating more protein, work to limit my sugar intake as much as possible, thus keeping my blood sugar as stable as I can manage. (Yes, I've been slipping up and having more sugar and alcohol lately, too.)

3. Acupuncture also really helps me to feel centered and grounded. I think it's a combination of the treatment itself, and having twenty minutes to lie in quiet on the table and just decompress. After nearly having a panic attack this morning as I was getting in the shower, I booked an appointment for this afternoon as soon as I got to work.

4. Spend time outside, get some sunlight, experience some nature. I think there's a lot to be said for honoring our circadian rhythms; it makes sense that we'll feel better when we're in sync with our natural clocks.

5. Work up a sweat. Exercise gets the endorphins pumping through your system (the source of a runner's high), which brings extra feel-good chemicals to your body. Who wouldn't prefer that to feeling stressed out. It can also help you work through some pent up aggression and get out of a toxic thought loop. Find something you love -- riding your bike, doing yoga, going for a run or a swim -- and let it act as a resource rather than something on your to-do list.

6. Talk it out. If something's weighing on your mind, find people who care about you and vent a little bit. Ask if they have some insight into the situation. There's no point in going on the journey alone.

If you have other resources you call on when you're stressed out, I'd love to hear them. I'm feeling encouraged just having taken the time to think through all the resources I have at my disposal.

Pause

Over the weekend, I decided to practice something I find quite difficult. Saying no, particularly to making plans. I've been busy lately, to say the least. My beloved DD has been known to call me Type A+ Squared. I can't say I'd have much of an argument to refute that; I live by my calendar.

And sometimes it's just plum overwhelming.

Which is why I'm now trying to make the concerted effort to let my calendar be an aide, not the rule book. I have a tendency to fill up any white space in my calendar, sometimes with things I don't even want to do. Then, when something I would love to do comes along, I often have to say no because I'm either already booked or just plain old worn out.

This weekend I tried to embrace the white space. I didn't schedule a workout. I resisted the urge to offer my cousins a free night of baby-sitting (sorry La -- next time!). When my sister said she was going to be at a bar I've been dying to check out, I said no thanks. Instead I came home early on Friday, had a blissfully lazy Saturday morning -- complete with decaf soy ice coffee (I know, I know, what's the point right? I never thought I'd say it, but I'm a convert) and the New York Times -- a great afternoon complete with reading in the park and shopping with friends, and a Saturday night spent assembling my new bookshelf, organizing my books, and cleaning the apartment. It wasn't wild, it wasn't particularly social, and I didn't work on a single one of my three health things. On Sunday, I walked all over the city getting delicious, healthy food, and then met up with friends for a drink. Which turned into an outrageous and hilarious bbq until much too late on a work night. It was great.

I love knowing what to expect and what I need to do, but sometimes it feels really good to loosen the reigns a bit and just do whatever feels right in the moment.

How does a Type A+ Squared girl handle an insight like this, though? By scheduling "time off". It's a start, right?

My Three (Health) Things - Update

In an earlier post I outlined my three primary goals for improving my health. Progress has been in and fits and starts, but here's the latest.

1. Begin a meditation practice.
It's begun. But it's not quite a regular practice yet. Sometimes I miss a day (or three). That said, whenever I do practice, I'm so glad I did. I'm already experiencing lots of great benefits, but I think my favorite has been the incredible way it's sparked my memory. There have been a handful of times that I've just been jolted with a flash of memory from my early childhood. When I was shucking corn the other day, I could almost hear my grandfather talking about fresh corn in Ohio; when I was taking a walk outside, I had a snapshot memory of old family friends I haven't thought about since I was about nine. My focus at work has been (a little) better, too.

2. Resume my yoga practice.
Drat. Excuses continue. Haven't done this yet, but I have been stretching more throughout the day. Baby steps?

3. Get a better grip on my finances.
Finally starting to tackle this one. Last night I returned clothes and shoes I'd bought but never worn and decided I'd rather have the money. This morning I finally set up online banking for my big scary credit card. Most of my other bills are electronic, but I hadn't gotten to this one. I'm amazed at how relieved I feel having done this. Tonight I've scheduled down time into my calendar (no joke), and I plan to confront Quickbooks.

Am I as far along as I'd like to be? No. Am I making progress? Yes. I feel I've lapsed a little bit in the past week and a half, but I'm trying to accept that as part of the natural ebb and flow of things. What never ceases to amaze me, though, is how often I'll be doing something for my health and well-being, it'll be working, I'll feel better, and then...I stop. For example, I eat mostly raw organic food --> my energy skyrockets and my brain feels clear --> I stop eating as well --> my energy plummets and I feel foggy --> I don't have the energy to think about eating as well. It makes me frustrated at my own behavior sometimes, and I really want to understand why I do this. Is it because somewhere in the back of my mind I feel I need a break from the work of being healthy? Do I somehow think I'm "cured"? Now the trick is figuring out how to stay in the good cycles rather than slipping back out to the less healthy path. If you have some magic tricks, I'd love to hear them.

The Amazing Digestive System

Don't worry, folks. No pictures for this post.

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been slowly working my way through Digestive Wellness, by Elizabeth Lipski, Ph.D., C.C.N. I'm a touch obsessed with how the digestive system works, so this book is a pretty exciting read for me. There were a few times while reading yesterday that I was so blown away that I had to pick up the phone and call my mom to share the news. Some were relatively intuitive, and some just blew me away. Here, the mom-worthy portions:

"Chronic stress lengthens the amount of time that food stays in the stomach, while short-term stress usually shortens the emptying time," (p. 24). Makes sense, doesn't it? When you're constantly stressed, and you just feel heavy and sluggish, that's exacerbated by your digestive system being so fatigued that it can't move things along steadily. And when you have a sudden stress -- a break-up, changing jobs, or an exam coming up -- sometimes things go right through you.

"Current research indicates that 70 percent of the immune system is located in or around the digestive system," (p. 27). This made my jaw drop. Seventy percent! If I didn't want to put good, nourishing, whole foods in my body before, I sure do after this statistic. Think about it, sit with it for a bit. A little extra incentive to give your body the raw material it needs to function optimally.

"Serotonin is best known for its role in the brain, but 95 percent of our serotonin is manufactured in the gut. Without adequate amounts, we have insomnia and are depressed," (p. 28). This statistic I had actually heard this past spring, and it was the reason I quit artificial sweeteners and said bye-bye to my beloved Diet Coke. Artificial sweeteners directly interfere with serotonin production, and I, for one, could use every little boost I can get when it comes to falling asleep and staying happy.

For the full story on any of these, I strongly encourage you to check out the book.


New feature alert: Because I'm a bit of a research junkie (No joke. Aftermath from my drunken nights? All the reference books pulled from my shelves, left strewn about the apartment with pages open to quite a random assortment of factoids.), I like to share my favorite resources in case anyone would like to do further reading or see where I get my information. To that end, I've created a Bookshelf sidebar on the left. It's broken down loosely according to categories, and includes links to Amazon so you can easily find the books for yourself. Some of the books I've read cover to cover, but many I dip in and out of as needed. Or after one mojito too many. Hey, I'm a health nut, not a saint.